


To Die Is Different From What Anyone Supposed, And Luckier

by paper_thin_mind



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Poetry, dan has mental health issues, somewhat hurt/comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 22:09:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12874062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paper_thin_mind/pseuds/paper_thin_mind
Summary: “To die is different from what anyone supposed, and luckier.”Phil grins at that, it’s a sad grin and it makes Dan wish he’d never said anything. Wish he could start the day again. Wishing, he’s always wishing. He flips onto his front and curls into Phil’s side, wordlessly apologising. He thinks Phil gets it, at least a bit.





	To Die Is Different From What Anyone Supposed, And Luckier

He throws the ball at the wall, catches it in his left hand. ‘I,’ he pauses, for affect, Phil thinks. Throws the ball again. ‘am tremendously suicidal.’ He turns towards Phil as he says it, drops the ball. He stands with his hands in his pockets, a somewhat coy smile on his lips. Phil looks at him for what seems a millennium, with this thoughtful expression, brow furrowed. ‘Well, aren’t you going to say something?’ Dan asks, and his eyes are still somehow mischievous. Phil thinks that might be his default expression, fox-like, astute.

‘You’re like a fox.’ He says, although it’s not what he means to say at all.

And Dan replies, somewhat put-off by Phil’s change of subject ‘You’re like an owl.’ And when Phil stares at him, confused, he elaborates. ‘You keep staring at me like I’m some kind of puzzle, or something.’

Phil’s gaze doesn’t shift and Dan looks down, the intense scrutiny making his heart pick up.

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know, you tell me.’

‘No-‘ Phil sighs. ‘Why are you suicidal?’

‘Oh.’

A silence stretches over them, seeps into their skin and settles on their lips.

‘I’ve often wondered that myself.’ He begins. Sits on the edge of the bed now, facing away from Phil as he rolls the ball in his hands.

‘I think- there must be something I’m exaggerating here, what have I got to be suicidal about, right? Like, maybe I over-dramatise things a bit. But then-‘ he stops and Phil watches the fine tremors in his shoulders, waits for him to carry on.

And when he doesn’t, Phil sits, sighs and then crosses his legs. ‘But what?’ He prompts. There’s a moment before anyone says anything again, and Dan folds his legs up onto the bed.

‘Then, when I think about it – killing myself – it surprises me. Like it’s crept up on me, or, or somehow it was there the whole time and I suddenly remember. And it’s horrible Phil, like constantly feeling that dread of leaving the oven on while you’re out. Or, I don’t know, when you nearly trip down the stairs. God that doesn’t feel strong enough. It’s just this dreadful tug in your chest and you want to tear out your rib cage to let whatever it is escape.’ He stops again, he won’t cry. He won’t cry.

‘I don’t know, it’s stupid. I feel like everything’s happened so quickly and now I’m here, there’s nothing I want more than to go back and do something else. Fucking law or whatever.’ He stutters out a bitter huff and swallows. ‘I feel like what I’m doing isn’t good enough, who I am isn’t good enough. Like I can’t ever be anyone worth anything. I don’t know, it’s ridiculous.’

‘Dan- it’s not, it’s not stupid okay? It’s fine, you...’ He doesn’t know where he’s going with it, it’s not fine. So he just stops, breathes. And then Dan laughs, barking and harsh in the quiet room.

‘I sound so fucking emo.’ Phil chuckles, runs a hand over his face.

‘You do sound a bit emo.’

‘Fuck off, you’re supposed to disagree.’ Dan’s giggling now, and he has to take a deep breath to stop himself. Because if he giggles, then he won’t be able to stop laughing, and then he’ll cry. And he doesn’t want to cry.

‘I don’t know. I just want it all to slow down a bit. I feel like everything’s flying past me in all these vibrant colours and I’m tied to a chair in a black room, with a gun in my mouth.’

Phil doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know about this kind of thing, only what he’s read in books. So he quotes a book, then, because it’s the first thing he thinks of.

‘“Keep your face always towards the sunshine – and the shadows will fall behind you.”’

Dan smiles, falls back onto the bed and looks up at phil. ‘You and your sodding poetry. Walt Whitman, Leaves Of Grass. “To die is different from what anyone supposed, and luckier.”’

Phil grins at that, it’s a sad grin and it makes Dan wish he’d never said anything. Wish he could start the day again. Wishing, he’s always wishing. He flips onto his front and curls into Phil’s side, wordlessly apologising. He thinks Phil gets it, at least a bit.

They sit for a while, and Phil curls Dan’s hair around his fingers, humming an unfamiliar melody under his breath. ‘I love you, you know?’

‘I know.’

‘You’ll be alright, you know?’

And Dan is quiet for a moment, closes his eyes and listens to Phil’s heartbeat through his chest. ‘Yeah. Yeah I know.’

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. If you liked it then do leave a comment or a kudos.  
> Both the quotes in this are by Walt Whitman.  
> You can find more of my works on my dash, or my non-fandom related stuff on wattpad (my user is the same)


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